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I read a wonderful, brief article in the
Harvard Business Review which focused on speaking strategically -- essentially, using your
voice only when it is to your advantage.
The insights are superb, but one of the points that needs to be brought to the fore is the Discipline Of
Strategic Listening.
There are times during your social and business exchanges when it is of great strategic significance to make a concerted effort to let another person speak uninterrupted, while you listen [being truly alert, focused and 'present'] and learn valuable information.
The ancillary strategic benefit is that you've given the other person a chance to feel the ego security of being respected and heard, while you've simultaneously had time to re-program or re-fine your speaking tactics by incorporating some of what you've heard.
Bottom line:
You learn while you listen, so you can use what you've learned to refine and improve your persuasive speaking skills.
I'll stop talking now and present this wonderful article to you:
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Posted: 2012-05-31 19:56:53 UTC
It had been three weeks since my throat started to feel sore,
and it wasn't getting better. The pain was most acute when I spoke. So I
decided to spend a few days speaking as little as possible. Every time I
had the urge to say something, I paused for a moment to question
whether it was worth irritating my throat.
This made me acutely aware of when and how I use my voice. Which led
me to a surprising discovery: I spend considerable energy working
against my own best interests. And if my experience listening to others
is any indication, so do you.
In my observations, we speak for three main reasons:
- To help ourselves
- To help others
- To connect with each other
That's not surprising. All three of those objectives are legitimate and worthwhile.
What is surprising though is how frequently we fool ourselves into
thinking we're achieving those objectives when, in reality, we're
thwarting them. The more I listened, the more I noticed how we undermine
our own interests.
Frequently, I had the urge to gossip about someone else. I realized
that I did this to help myself (I will feel better if I think I'm better
than
that person) and to connect with the other gossipers. But
clearly that would distance me from the people about whom I was
gossiping. In fact, it would probably even distance me from my fellow
gossipers too; who could trust someone who talked behind other people's
back? My attempt to strengthen relationships was, instead, hurting them.
I also had the urge to share information when I thought it would be
helpful to someone. That's a productive reason to speak. But several
times I had the urge to say something simply to show that I knew the
answer. Or to get attention. Or to increase my power in the group. It
became clear to me that my urge to speak in those moments came from my
desire to feel special. I wanted people to like me and to think highly
of me. But who likes the guy trying to show off?
Sometimes I wanted to help myself by getting the answer to a
question, or making sure I was counted in a decision. That's useful. But
other times, I just wanted to make sure my voice was heard over the din
of the other voices. I caught myself wanting to speak over someone in a
meeting. Or arguing a point to get others to agree with me so I'd feel
more confident in my own opinion (which I'm hearing a lot this political
season). Is that really helping someone else?
In fact, I was amazed at how often I wanted to speak simply to assure myself that I was here. I had a role. I was noticed.
As I sat silently, trying to preserve my voice, I had the opportunity
to notice how and when other people spoke as well. And I noticed all
the same tendencies.
If I were to reduce our counter-productive speaking to a single
motivation, it would be this: We often speak to make ourselves feel
better in the short-term.
But life and relationships are long-term. And when we gossip, raise
our voices, speak behind other people's backs, offer unsolicited
opinions, or make jokes at other people's expense we're isolating
ourselves over time.
There was some good news in my experience of talking less: I listened
more. And listening, it turned out, was a much more productive way to
achieve my speaking objectives than speaking.
When I listened, I helped myself, helped others and built
relationships at least as effectively as I did speaking and with much
less collateral damage.
I'm obviously not suggesting we stop speaking; we can't achieve our
three objectives unless we do. We need ask for things. We need to share
information. And there are a number of ways — like offering compliments
and rephrasing what we're hearing — we can build relationships through
speech.
I am, however, suggesting that we think ahead — long term — when
we're about to say something in the moment. And that, before speaking,
we ask ourselves one simple question: Is what I'm about to say going to
detract from one of the three reasons I speak? If the answer is yes,
consider saving your voice.
My throat is better now and I can speak as much as I want. Which left
me feeling a little nervous; now that I know how easy it is to be
self-defeating, will I keep myself on the productive side of the
speaking equation?
Thankfully, the sore throat left me with a gift: the memory of a sore throat.
These past few days, when I get the urge to talk, I find myself doing
a little calculation in my head: If I only have so much speaking I can
do in a day, is this thing I'm about to say a worthwhile use of my
voice?
What's amazing is that most of the time I immediately know.
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Friends, Colleagues, Readers and
Fellow Commanders -- There is not a single one of us who didn't see some aspect of himself or herself in the HBR article inserted above. And if we are adaptively intelligent, we can use the wonderful observations of the author to our strategic advantage.
This is indeed actionable material.
Douglas E. Castle for
The Taking Command Blog and
The Sending Signals Blog
